I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
