Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
