Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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