If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
