My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
