Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
