At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
