Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
