I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
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I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
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I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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