we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Holy sore nipples Batman
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
