even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
