Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
