so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize