Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize