you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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