He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
