there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
