There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Even my vagina gasped.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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