you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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