You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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