i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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