Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I pour the whiskey from now on
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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