and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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