my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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