you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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