toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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