woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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