We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
