I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
