Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
