if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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