Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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