i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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