The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
