im holly from the hills drunk
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
