ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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