god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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