No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
