the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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