I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
