i already hear my dad disowning me
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
