No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
