God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
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I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
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I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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