the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
