I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
