I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
