I faked an abortion last night.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
How naked do you want me to be?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
God, I missed his penis.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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