I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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