What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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