I am puke
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize