and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
