You work out of a Hotel?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Randomize
