I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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