Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
