That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
