If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
