It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
