Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
